Stories from the Dorms

I received a couple of requests to post my interesting stories from my job as night clerk at a residence hall on the University of Illinois Campus. Well, here you go. These are not in any particular order. I will let you guess which one is my favorite.

1.My first week here: We tell all of the residents here (18 and 19-year-old kids) that, if they burn food and the smoke alarm goes off in their room, they should open a window and waft it out that way. NEVER open the door to the inside hallway for this reason, because if the smoke alarm goes off in the hallway, the entire building has to be evacuated and the fire department has to come. Well, at about 2:30 a.m., a couple of guys just had to have hamburgers, really well done. That's not the good part of the story. About 30 minutes later, when all 250 some odd kids are making their way back inside, one of the girls vomits all over the patio, and the crowd scatters. We went to clean it up once everyone was inside and I noticed there wasn't just wine cooler; for some reason there was a rubber band mixed in with it.

2.On occasion, I have to play the hard-A and break up a drinking party. It's funny because they all see me as some sort of authority figure, when I can't actually do anything. It's fun though, to go banging on the door, and listen to everyone frantically tell each other to shut up. "Do you live here?" "Yes, sir." "Is this your booze?" "Yes, sir." "Dump it down the drain, Now" (In a super serious, intimidating tone). "Ok, I'm sorry, sir." "Yeah, you better be. Don't make me come back up here." Haha.

3.There is one resident, Elaine, that stops to talk to me once in a while. Sometimes she is coming back from a party, a bit out of it. Just before Christmas she had gone to a party at a frat house. I guess they had decorated for the holidays, including fake, spray-on snow on the windows. And this fake snow was scented. Elaine tells me that she had such a fun time, and she wrote her name on the window in the fake snow. "Now my finger smells so good." At this point she is not longer talking to me, but she is speaking softly to herself, "It smells so good" (while sniffing her finger), "it smells like Christmas...it's so good." After a solid twenty seconds of sniffing her own finger and talking to herself she staggered back into the realization that I was staring at her with a big grin on my face. She quickly wished me a good night, without making eye contact, and rushed off to the elevator. Merry Christmas indeed.

The Fabulous Flying Burtinis

Gather round! Come be witness to the Death Defying Feats and the Spectacular Acrobatics of the Fabulous Flying Burtinis!!

We were thinking of becoming Gypsies and starting a travelling show. I'm not sure we would be able to draw the crowds like other county fair side shows. Maybe we can teach Jack to be one of those fire breathers, and we could put some fake hair all over Aly, and he can be the Terrifying Wolf boy or something.

Just knockin' around some ideas, ya know?

Everything has fallen into place at last.

At long last, things are falling into place for the Burtons. Since last Thursday we have found an apartment where the rest was marked down $150/month and it has a garage; Ashlee found a new job that will pay her more and not make her get up at three in the morning; I got a job (yes, you read that correctly) that will be absolutely perfect for school. I will be watching the desk at a student housing complex during the graveyard shift, so I will actually be getting paid to study and work on my freelance editing. Don't think less of me for using company time for personal things. In the interview the building manager said, "It's good that you have that freelance stuff, 'cause it gets boring."

All of these things being said, I do feel like a bit of as Israelite, wandering in the wilderness while murmuring under my breath about my hardships and trials. I hope that I can take this experience and grow from it, and hopefully be able to face future rough spots with a little more trust and faithfulness. I will remember the blessings that we recieved this week, and remember that the Lord knows when the best options will come around. If we had not waited (been compelled to wait) for this job and this apartment, we would have ended up paying a lot more for housing and I would have had a tougher time ahead of me this semester. I like comparing this to Tetris because everything doesn't just fall into place; there is a knowing and caring hand guiding these happenings in our lives.

P.S. My comment board that I had on the sidebar was giving me trouble, so I have to figure something else out.

An Unhappy Medium

OK, so maybe the picture of the Depression-era soup line is a little dramatic, but this is how I am starting to feel. At least I didn't find a picture of a Depression-era stock broker flinging himself out the window. I haven't quite reached that point yet.

The unhappy medium to which I refer is as follows. I like written language. I like to analyze it (not my own writing, so forgive my shortcomings there). I want to be an editor. I have no real experience as an editor, and every company that does editing requires at least two years of professional experience. Many of you can empathize with the situation. You graduate, have no experience, and seemingly have way of gaining the experience while still paying the rent.

Conversely, no retail store, copy shop, manufacturing company, etc. will hire me because they don't think that I will stick around for very long. At least this is what people keep telling me is probably the reason. They think I am over-qualified. I am not trying to toot my own horn here. I do not pretend to think that I am over-qualified for anything. But some of our friends think that retail companies think that I would only be working there temporarily when they see my past experience (once again, not trying to make myself sound cool).

I realize that most of my posts so far have been negative and depressing so here is a bit of childhood humor to lighten the mood. We recently discovered "On-Demand" on my parents TV. And what do they have on the WB Kids channel?

That's right! Thunder Cats! And Jack is into it! He, of course, is Liono, the big red-haired fella in the front with the sword. I play the role of Panthro, the gray guy on the bottom right. Alaster is a great WilyCat. And Ashlee is the sexiest Cheetarah I have ever seen!

The best is when I hear Jack saying quietly, "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thunder Cats...HO!!" He asked me to get him a new sword so he could have the "Eye of Thundera." We even dug through my old toys and found my Thunder Cat dolls...action figures, that I had when I was like five or six.

My boy!

Just a small note

I recently was introduced to a band that I think is the Bee's Knees, the Cat's Pajamas. The band is called Ghostland Observatory. Note that I have a few of their songs in the playlist. Che, che-che, che, che..Check it out!

Anxiety

anx•i•ety \aņ-zī-ә-tē\ n, pl –eties [L anxietas, fr. anxius] (ca. 1525) 1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usu. over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety 2 : an abnormal or overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it

A week from this coming Monday I will begin taking classes at the graduate level. I am excited, but at the same time I am really, really nervous about it. If you don't know, I am going to be attending Eastern Illinois University, getting my MA in Professional Writing. I have been thinking lately, I am getting a Master's degree...if this doesn't work out, or if it turns out that I am not that good of a writer or editor, then we are really up [crap] creek, as the saying goes. What do I do then? Go back for more school? I have been joking with Ashlee, because I haven't been able to find really steady work with my English degree, that I should go back and get a BS in some sort of engineering field.

Besides the anxiety associated with the uncertainty of the career choice being a good one to begin with, I am also uber-nervous about being a graduate student. It's like I am getting ready to go out on stage for a concert to play music that I haven't really practiced enough, or to play a character who's lines are a little unclear.

This is where the illustration comes in. The definition above, taken from Merrriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, mentions "physiological signs" but neglects to list among those signs the overwhelming sensation that I have been suffering lately. Too often in the last few weeks have I felt the undeniable urge to bow myself before the porcelain shrine.


Gratefully, I have not yet endured anything comparable to the regurgitory stylings displayed by the two unfortunate individuals pictured above. But hey, I have two years ahead of me.

Wish me luck and happy hurling.

Poetry, on a lighter note

To lighten to mood after that last poem, here is another form piece that I wrote. The form in which this was composed is called "villanelle."

The villanelle, in contrast to the sestina, has two entire lines that are repeated throughout the poem. It is comprised of 6 stanzas. The two repeating lines are given as the first and third lines of the first tercet. Those lines will be labeled a1 and a2 in the rhyme scheme.

a1
b
a2

a
b
a1

a
b
a2

a
b
a1

a
b
a2

then the last stanza is a quatrain

a
b
a1
a2

Enjoy, and I hope you get a good chuckle. I wrote this when I was preparing to take the GRE as an entrance requirement for graduate school. I hate that frickin' exam. Waste of time and energy, and does not reflect a person's practical knowledge at all.

Unpleasant: A Villanelle

The Graduate Record Examination,
More painful than is
A gratuitous rectal investigation.

I’ll submit my score with my application.
My head really hurts from this
Graduate Record Examination.

No one can offer an explanation
For why I must take this
Gratuitous rectal investigation.

Have they no more productive occupation
Than to force upon us
The Graduate Record Examination.

The GRE is a more unpleasant palpation
Than even is
A gratuitous rectal investigation.

I’ll continue to pray for the extrication
From the requirement that is
The Graduate Record Examination,
This gratuitous rectal investigation.